mad world

all i saw was twenty miles of wilderness

2007-10-12T06:42:37Z

my house was robbed a few weeks ago.

i came back from a weekend home and i remember thinking, i need to go on facebook! (ha) but when i looked on my desk, my laptop wasn't there. and the thing about my room is that it has these low points when i go a month or so without cleaning, when there are clothes and papers everywhere. i was just shoveling notes and lotion and books off my desk in this almost drunken manner because i was so sure my laptop had to be under the mess. it didn't register at all.

i went downstairs and asked my house mates if they'd thrown a party and moved my laptop, and one of them starts freaking out. apparently, three of our laptops were gone, each with their power cords. there was a lot of commotion with the parents and the cops and the filing of the police report, but i felt... detached throughout the whole thing. i felt like i was waking up from a coma after 2 years, and this was not my life, not my body, not my house, not me. that the part of my life that i recognized was lost. i felt strangely light and free.

and the people who now had my laptop, those that came into our house and violated our sense of peace and security, thinking back, i resent them for having a piece of me that they were so casually going to throw away. years of work that i've accumulated, music, pictures... i do this thing with my text messages where i let myself be a huge loser and type them up. not all of them, just the ones that made me laugh or feel loved. and anything my exbf sent was saved in this one file; the fact that i no longer had his texts was the first thing that really made me sad. i mean, it was something i would never have been able to throw away on my own, but probably did need to go. i just wish it hadn't been torn away from me. i don't know if all that made sense.

little things lately keep reminding me that the laptop i have now isn't actually mine.

i didn't want to sleep in my room that night.

erophelie @ 2007-09-24T14:28:00

2007-09-24T18:29:58Z

couldn't sleep last night and posted this to fb? eww. first attempt at something in.. ages.

I wonder what it would be like if you were able to hold someone and just memorize them. Tattoo their body wrapped around yours so you’ll always know exactly how you fit together. Or what life would be like if everybody had their own private theater that played endless streams of memories. Somewhere you could go to check the little details, like how long someone’s strides used to be; whether someone who was exactly 1.1 times your height had strides exactly 1.1 times yours as well. I suppose it would be alone, on those faded velvet seats, that you’d remember. You'd remember that these lanky boys you just threw your heart at were all legs, and that it always took you a step and a hop just to keep up with them.

And let’s say you want to remember how they breathed, and all the times that your two breaths were perfectly synched. Every single time—even the ones where you cheated and sped or slowed yours down to match theirs. And if it’s possible, you really want to remember all the times they traced their fingers up and down your side, palmed the curve of a hip and treated you like something 3.2 seconds away from shattering; a trembling mess as they draw a finger down along your spine; the brush of 18,000 stunted strands of stubble on your neck that always left you slightly lightheaded. What would become of the porn industry if you could relive every last stroke?

Because you want to remember what deodorant they used and how they smelled after a night out; and then you want to remember how they smelled after a night spent in. How they sometimes shared the covers and cocooned up with you, risking pins and needles to have you tucked into the crook of their arm.

You want to remember every stretch of skin, every detail of them so well that you can draw all the swirling arcs of their fingerprint by heart. Find the slope of each tiny, broken section and compute some fraction of their identity. You want to carefully go over everything you remember so that you can wrap a blanket around your shoulders like the warm arms of a lover. And after that, you can finally relearn how to have a good night’s sleep.

And even though they have long outgrown you, in these increasingly dingy theaters, you can stay and relive the first drunken kiss. You can re-watch them laugh that first time you looked over, and realized you were in love—over and over again. You can remember the way you clung together, breathing each other in after the first weekend apart. And until the neighbors start complaining about a smell, until the officials find you weeks later, you can be alone with your memories.

i'm hot, sticky sweet

2007-05-25T05:59:21Z

i'm about to be crude.

does anyone else get really horny the week before they start bleeding out of their vagina? cause i do. and it fucking sucks. it's like two weeks of goddamnit every month. godfuckingdamnit.

man, i'm just tired and bored with myself

2007-05-12T05:22:41Z

it is so weird to be writing an lj post. of all my scattered diaries, this is the only one i keep coming back to. i remember how much time i used to spend on this or xanga or myspace; it was like some sort of desperation to spread myself out. just bits of me everywhere, crumbs that might've led someone back to me, or to remember me, or to know me. and i realize that no one knows me because i still don't know who i am. two years of college and i know less about myself than i ever did. life is happening all wrong you know? if anything i feel dumber and less aware of the world around me. but it's not even that i don't try and know myself, it's just that i don't like what i find out: that i'm lazy, self-absorbed and apathetic. isn't that a phase people grow out of when they graduate hs? you get thrown into college and meet the rest of the world outside the microcosm of your hometown and get scared and push the boundaries and become someone more open and involved? definitive? i feel myself going to waste. maybe i don't write anymore because there's really nothing inside of me. i'm just full of dry air and empty longing.

he's the only thing i'm sure of.
i've been in a bad mood for the last 9 months.
i've been abusing the online magic 8 ball.
life is not pretty.

i make so much more sense in print. maybe i should move away and restart life as a mute. write out all my comments on notecards that i flash to the people around me. i have good handwriting. it could work. plus i have terrible pronunciation so it would be a win-win situation.

...yes.

erophelie @ 2006-12-01T21:56:00

2006-12-02T01:56:50Z

erophel i e (5:05:31 PM): i need to go to the book store!
cometomycabin (5:05:41 PM): for a book?
erophel i e (5:06:13 PM): no i want condoms
erophel i e (5:06:16 PM): douglass condoms
cometomycabin (5:06:28 PM): doulgass doesnt have condoms
cometomycabin (5:06:30 PM): just strap ons

erophelie @ 2006-08-28T02:34:00

2006-08-28T06:35:58Z

erophel i e: like i gotta look at myself in the mirror and want to masterbate.
erophel i e: that's what i'm going for
bonsai551: hahaha
bonsai551: i'm the same way

erophelie @ 2006-08-25T00:11:00

2006-08-25T04:11:51Z

if it makes any difference, i dont want to fuck you.
she laughs.
thanks.
i think you're beautiful, but i wouldn't fuck you because when we were done, i wouldn't want you to feel fucked. i would try to make love to you, and i would probably be clumsy and awkward. but when it was over, i would want you to feel loved.

erophelie @ 2006-06-06T10:15:00

2006-06-06T14:16:12Z

erophel i e: i'll send a cardboard lifesized me
MrDeebs4587: aww
MrDeebs4587: thats a little dirty
MrDeebs4587: especially if someone took it as a souvenir
MrDeebs4587: hahaha
erophel i e: ...

erophelie @ 2006-06-06T09:39:00

2006-06-06T13:39:47Z

alright. first real lj entry in just about FOREVER.

so i'm in shanghai and i'm slightly torn between really loving it here, and just being saddened. the apartment is pretty stunning. i really like how my mom decorated it so far cause it has a lot of traditional, chinese furnature which is love love love. the city itself is like a mixture of hawaii, taiwan, and NYC. there's so much construction going on and tall tall buildings, but then you also have like parks and gardens and a lot of what most people probably think china looks like. we went in this shopping area that used to be either an insanely rich man's or some ruler's house. and it was so beautiful. all the architecture and pond and bridges and flowers, fountains. but then it just seemed sad. all the people there selling things and all the tourists. it just ruined it in some way for me. before i knew it used to be a real house and garden, i thought something like, "how nice. they built it based off of what shanghai used to be like." but knowing how it had a history and was then twisted into this almost cheap amusement park-ish alternative is... i dont know. i was upset. and the people selling things. some were just like little trinkets, shanghai tourist t-shirts, chinatown-esque goods. but others were these skilled artists doing portraits/sculpture of you/playing music/making paper dragons; things that took a long time to learn. and they were all so talented, but this was what they were doing. barely getting by.

so what i adore:
1. the clothing
2. the food!!!
3. the apartment
4. the gardens
5. the traditional architecture
6. the nontraditional architecture
7. seeing the progress everyday
8. small shops
9. being able to bargain for a lot of things
10. WALKING EVERYWHERE.
11. being able to respect asians a lot more
12. learning how good looking some asians are haha

what makes me sad/i dislike:
1. how they are simplifying chinese writing ie: losing culture and dumbing people down by making all characters "easier"
2. some of the people's occupations
3. their wages
4. no friends/ ALEX<3333333333 :(
5. the really FUCKING CRAZY DRIVERS.
6. how all the girls are wayyy tinyyyy skinny. which maybe isnt their fault per se, but it makes me feel obese.

i know i put way too much importance on weight, but today i was shopping in this thrifty shopping center in shanghai where there are tons of really crazy, awesome clothes and then i hear this gorgeous girl who is like 5 inches taller than me and definately weighs waayyy less than me say, "oh i can't try this on. i'm too fat. i need to lose so much weight." and she was like the epitome of heroin chic. she couldve been a model. it's so fucking weird. in nj, i feel fat sometimes, but i know comparatively, i'm about average. here i walk down the street and i'm like a massive whale. an elephant. a whalaphant. it made me not want to shop anymore until i've lost like 20 pounds. which is a terrible thought.

but my brother's in heaven. anyway, it's late. actually it's only 9:38 pm but i'm maaad tired. nighttt.

vote no for cancer! musical event to fight cancer!!

2006-05-25T06:49:36Z

For all of you who:

1. are unsure what to do this friday night (ie: NOT the da vinci code)
2. afraid you're going to hell for that last racist joke
3. want a change from the diner/ basement
4. are in fact a good person and want to help FIGHT CANCER. (ie: be a superhero)

the American Cancer Society is sponsering a Relay for Life Benefit this friday (MAY 26TH 7-11PM) at our well-loved Hamilton Street Cafe on 22 Hamilton Street, Bound brook, NJ. it's only $10 to be a superhero and THAT is a deal i knowww you cant refuse.

Also, a really cool band called Hello Nurse who you should definately check out on myspace will be playing. Such nice boys who want your support.

and lastly, again for those who skim:

WHAT: AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY's RELAY FOR LIFE BENEFIT

WHERE: HAMILTON STREET STAGE&CAFE
(22 Hamilton Street, Bound Brook, NJ)

WHO: HELLO NURSE, the years gone by, last days of empre, ecotone and more

COST: $10

erophelie @ 2006-05-21T02:52:00

2006-05-21T06:53:35Z

I think anger is a very important state of mind. I think that it is often dismissed too easily as being reactionary. People talk about this aesthetically, too; that loud angry music is just not going to be heard. That you have to be quiet for people to listen. I understand that people are compelled by different forms of art, but I think that dismissing anger or dismissing loud music or angry manifestations of how you assess the world is a mistake. Anger is a response to violations against love. That's what it is. What's more righteous than anger? I don't really try to get beyond anger if it is actually what compels me to get involved and do things. I have no problem with it because I know where it comes from. It comes from the same place that quieter music or poetry comes from; it comes from the same place... I do feel despair.

Chris Hannah

erophelie @ 2005-12-12T04:02:00

2005-12-12T09:11:17Z

the last time i was this low. shit. i am so frusterated. it's like lately i'm crying over things that i know dont mean anything and i'm just getting upset constantly. every. single. fucking. day. and i hate it even more because i know i take it out on alex and he's taking it so well and i just feel like he would be so much better off if i wasnt around and keeping him from doing things he wants to do or making him feel bad for no reason at all. i cant even explain it. i thought writing would help but it's not and i'm nauseous. and i've got to go. sorry lj.

erophelie @ 2005-11-24T01:07:00

2005-11-24T06:09:48Z

i love scotch plains. i love home.

i love rent.

i like people again. whew.

AURGHHH

2005-11-23T19:45:47Z

dear person who used my lost cell phone,

you are a piece of fucking shit. if i ever meet you i will slit your throat and piss all over your carcass. you are a waste of space. it's a pity your mother didn't have an abortion. slut.

dear T-mobile,

your policies perpetuate cell phone theft. since past attempts to regulate your laws have been squashed by your greed, i hope it fucks you over in a way that mutilates your asshole for life.

...i'm not usually such an angry person.

erophelie @ 2005-11-11T19:07:00

2005-11-12T00:12:46Z

i am completely screwing myself in the ass with schoolwork.
alex is cancer for my acedemics.

erophelie @ 2005-09-28T01:43:00

2005-09-28T05:44:02Z

september 24th = ♥
life is beautiful.

homework/tests are not.

any questions?

erophelie @ 2005-09-20T00:26:00

2005-09-20T04:34:52Z

so i dont update anymore. classes have been pretty hectic. i didnt expect there to be so much work/homework and it just feels like everythings moving so fast. i have a paper due tomorrow in my FIGS class and the internet man is coming to try and fix my computer, catching up in all my other classes, and then i get to be a lab rat for some experiment. gross. the next day i get to try and talk to my calc professor since i am completely lost in his class. i half really want to drop and half really enjoy the class since he's...kinda geeky chic and funny. i just feel dumb in the class though. it is le suck. especially since there's a boy and i just want to spend all my time with him and not do homework. that would be lovely.

PS: his name's alex. : )

a fraction of the sum, the middle and the front

2005-09-05T05:16:04Z

FrenziedCow42: FUCK THE MIDDLE, FUCK IT HARD
FrenziedCow42: erm....excuse me

hahah jack knows what's up. college is turning kinda into hs. it's striange. i dont know how to explain it. it makes me think that life really is what we make of it. like sometimes i just thought my life during hs was something i couldn't have changed. like people knew me as whatever and that's just how they were going to think of me since we've all known each other too long. but now that i'm in college it just feels like hs all over again. i'm still not like in one core group. i'm still sort of floating around and not feeling like i really belong and recreating the exact same atmosphere as hs was. makes me think that hs was exactly what i made it. what i let it be you know? but i'm still optimistic cause then college can still be whatever i want it to be. and that's cool.

anyway. i came home this weekend for labour day and jen's bday so i have internet! it's been ages since i didnt have the right cable at school and all these complications but hopefully now everything will start working there and such.

keep my company till she comes again

2005-08-28T05:58:15Z

second day at rutgers.

this is so strange. for so long i was looking foward to this and to getting out of scotch plains but now that i'm here i miss home so much. my last night i just started crying to my mom and after my parents, my brother and jerry moved me in i was suddenly so scared to have them leave and i was just like i want to go home. but i feel like my relationship with my parents are already better since now when i call home my mom wants to talk to me and all that. it's really nice. most of the orientation stuff have been pretty boring. but i'm coming home for labor day weekend and such. oooh my own shower. =)

the people here are nice too. but it's definately very different. maybe cause they're honors kids and we're dorks hahah. but anyway. today i was all homesick again but corey, bonasia, dan, nora and adam were all in my lounge and i screamed SCOTCH PLAINERS!!! so loud and everyone stared at me but it was good. : ) i dont care that they're my comfort zone because it was just awesome to see them.

i need someone to take some joy in something i do

2005-08-24T12:25:34Z

hawaii has beaches.

and rainbows. : )

and pretty things to see when you walk around:

and the speed limit is always 25:

(kidding.)

the end.

have you finally forgiven me?

2005-08-08T08:20:51Z

i constantly think things in my life are a lot worse than they are, so i've decided to make a happy list of the good things that have happened to me lately and some things that i just appreciate.

i got lunch with bonasia awhile ago downtown westfield and afterwards i dragged him into some stores. good memory #1: we were in KB toys and there's this police officer kit for only $5. so i'm like wow this is really nice. there are like a badge, whatnot, handcuffs... so i ask matt if he thinks the handcuffs work like real ones and this middle aged man walking behind us goes, "no there's a small button in case you lose the keys" or something to that effect and goes down another aisle. matt and i just look at each other like omg... and i kinda laugh and am like oh... damn. and he walks back and says to me:

"and by the way, handcuffs hurt"

and walks away again having found whatever toy it was his small child desired. it was really random and awesomely awkward and we were trying so hard not to crack up. i love that feeling when there's all that laughter just bubbling in your stomach.

#2: my parents. because things have been good with them and i love them.

#3: caroline's offer to beat up whoever was making me sad. just cause that's really really nice to know someone cares.

#4: watching bridget jones diary (the edge of reason, not the first one) all by myself and having the movie in some way (temporarily) restore my faith in love and guys and things working out in the end.

#5: drunken calls from mr steven carroll, in which this was part of the convo:
me: haha yeah it really sucks butt
steve: and butt is something you dont want to suck right? steph... you're not a butt sucker right??
oh steven carroll<3

#6: also a product of drunken-ness, but a really awesome message from sean smith that made me smile and such, if not for the content then simply because of all the things wildly mispelled and in caps.

#7: my brother and my situation moving from "not talking" to "semi-talking"

#8: jack rollins. well... he's not dead as steve and i speculated, and i saw him two days in a row. haha. i dont know, that made me happy because he was someone i used to see for hours a day so going from that to never seeing him or talking to him was really upsetting.

#9: going to hawaii!!!!1ONE! (from the 10th to the 20th.)

#10: mike sheffield and adam's songs about van gogh's ear and brown derbys and imaginary people. oh mann. this would make anyone happy.

erophelie @ 2005-07-31T15:04:00

2005-07-31T19:13:32Z

college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college college

holy shit. i am ridiculously excited. and nervous.

but mostly excited.

erophelie @ 2005-07-29T20:25:00

2005-07-30T00:26:42Z

so jess asked me if i was talking to my brother yet:

jess (8:21:42 PM): its been at least a week
me (8:23:30 PM): it's been 2 as of yesterday
me (8:23:33 PM): two weeks
jess (8:23:36 PM): holy moly
jess (8:23:38 PM): thats such crap
jess (8:23:47 PM): i would have jumped in his face by now
jess (8:23:52 PM): and been like, TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!
me (8:23:55 PM): hahaha
jess (8:23:56 PM): but thats probably also y
jess (8:23:58 PM): ur bro doesnt like me
jess (8:24:01 PM): probablyyyyyyy

erophelie @ 2005-07-27T02:27:00

2005-07-27T06:30:21Z

i got tired of the survey.

el fin.

erophelie @ 2005-07-26T02:40:00

2005-07-26T06:46:43Z

[What Is Your Opinion Of The Following?..]

Reality TV: is not meant to be taken seriously
Emo: isn't necessarily a bad thing
Valentine's Day: eh. kind of forces you to show affection and it shouldn't be that way.
Death: the big leveling field
Pre-marital sex: if you're ready and safe, i dont see why not
Pornography: no harm no foul? it's there. it'll probably always be there which is fine.
Politics: are important to know but it sometimes brings out the worst in people

[Have You Ever..]

Mooned anyone: no
Been on a diet: yes but they don't last long.
Been to a foreign country: yes
Broken a bone: no
Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling: no
Dated a teacher: noo
Laughed so hard that you peed your pants: hahah almost
Thought about killing your enemy: yeah
Gone skinny dipping: not yet
Told a little white lie: yes
Told a secret you swore not to tell: unfortunately
Stolen anything: by accident. and then i snuck it back into the store lol
Been on TV: yep
Been on the radio: no
Been in a mosh pit: yes
Been to a concert: yes
Dated one of your best friends: yes
Broken the law: there are some dumb laws.
Been on a talk show: no
Been on a game show: nope
Been on an airplane: yes
Got to ride on a firetruck: hahah yes and it was awesome.
Gave someone a piggy back ride: yes
Terrorized a babysitter: i've never had a babysitter
Made a mud pie: no
Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff: yep
Been so drunk you don't remember your name: no
Felt like you didn't belong: of course
Felt like the 3rd wheel: yep and 5th
Been arrested: thank god no
Had your tonsils removed: no
Gone to camp: horseback riding but it wasn't sleepaway or anything
Won a bet: yeah
Written a love letter: love poem?
Asked a friend for relationship advice: obviously.
Had a friend steal your crush: yes
Done jail time: no
Had to wear a uniform to work: the ymca had shirts but other than that... not really
Won a trophy: yes : )
Thrown up in public: ugh.
Bowled a perfect game: aw i wish.
Got perfect attendance in grade school: i was close. i think i did once.